The Fall of Marvin Hyde
In the beginning I felt compelled to fill the emptiness. To achieve this, it seemed only natural to reach for the goals and positions of status that others desired, to follow their direction whilst mine lead me to a deep dark hole. Whilst some of the goals were achievable, others, the positions of status, of cool, of popularity that everyone climbed for, were unobtainable. I longed for sympathy and understanding, I longed to be cared for. As a person, nothing terrible had ever happened, nothing worth crying over or worth mentioning, there was nothing I could say that would make someone take pity on me.
I lay up at nights, and to pass the evenings through which I could never sleep, I began to create a world for myself, a world in which my friends died, a world where I was utterly alone, a world where I was at the end of abuse, at the end of a noose. By developing this world further and further each evening I was eventually able to cry myself into sleep.
It came as a necessity then, to express myself, to give myself some release, to receive sympathy and understanding, to become the person in my dreams.
I found myself empowered with manic force, I found myself liberated, I found hope within. I set about wording the stories that I would tell people, I could be a rock star, a drug addict, I could be anything to anyone. I chose first to tell people I was in a band, this meant I had to play guitar, and have songs that were sung. In order to gain sympathy I began to tell people that my friends had died, that I had been abused… People questioned my need for sympathy from time to time, and so these lies became my defence, became me. I was no longer becoming entwined in my lies, the lies were controlling me, I was divorced from myself, estranged from me, I was my own sick and strange minded twin, I was Dr Cyan.
Dr Cyan made me burn myself in order to feel at one with my old self, he made me cut myself, he made me show people. From time to time I would struggle not to show people, and struggle for control. From time to time I would get hurt. Empathy had become the forbidden fruit that I needed, it was the only fruit that I could eat, and this is how Dr Cyan controlled me.
Im sure other people knew of my lies and discussed them behind my back, how could they not do? But blissful or divorced in the ignorance I imposed upon myself I lived as Dr Cyan, I felt the emotions of Dr Cyan, I spoke as Dr Cyan, I was gone.
I had turned in on my mind, learned to hate myself, and now that needed to become part of Dr Cyan as well. There was no longer any need to try to control myself, I had accepted fate, I had accepted what I was. I was the evil that drove this body to do its wicked things, I was Dr Cyan.
As time passed, friends began to see other qualities, began to give a fuck about me. I began to enjoy some things. I found the value in goodness, in God, in me. It became a necessity to remove this Dr Cyan, to cast him aside and become one with myself, to become me. I wrestled with the darkness, the twin, cast him down and tossed him aside. I had survived three years of restlessness, anxiety, fear and self-loathing in order to forgive myself, dispose of Dr Cyan and was eventually done with him. Although it appears that he is not yet done with me…
I lay up at nights, and to pass the evenings through which I could never sleep, I began to create a world for myself, a world in which my friends died, a world where I was utterly alone, a world where I was at the end of abuse, at the end of a noose. By developing this world further and further each evening I was eventually able to cry myself into sleep.
It came as a necessity then, to express myself, to give myself some release, to receive sympathy and understanding, to become the person in my dreams.
I found myself empowered with manic force, I found myself liberated, I found hope within. I set about wording the stories that I would tell people, I could be a rock star, a drug addict, I could be anything to anyone. I chose first to tell people I was in a band, this meant I had to play guitar, and have songs that were sung. In order to gain sympathy I began to tell people that my friends had died, that I had been abused… People questioned my need for sympathy from time to time, and so these lies became my defence, became me. I was no longer becoming entwined in my lies, the lies were controlling me, I was divorced from myself, estranged from me, I was my own sick and strange minded twin, I was Dr Cyan.
Dr Cyan made me burn myself in order to feel at one with my old self, he made me cut myself, he made me show people. From time to time I would struggle not to show people, and struggle for control. From time to time I would get hurt. Empathy had become the forbidden fruit that I needed, it was the only fruit that I could eat, and this is how Dr Cyan controlled me.
Im sure other people knew of my lies and discussed them behind my back, how could they not do? But blissful or divorced in the ignorance I imposed upon myself I lived as Dr Cyan, I felt the emotions of Dr Cyan, I spoke as Dr Cyan, I was gone.
I had turned in on my mind, learned to hate myself, and now that needed to become part of Dr Cyan as well. There was no longer any need to try to control myself, I had accepted fate, I had accepted what I was. I was the evil that drove this body to do its wicked things, I was Dr Cyan.
As time passed, friends began to see other qualities, began to give a fuck about me. I began to enjoy some things. I found the value in goodness, in God, in me. It became a necessity to remove this Dr Cyan, to cast him aside and become one with myself, to become me. I wrestled with the darkness, the twin, cast him down and tossed him aside. I had survived three years of restlessness, anxiety, fear and self-loathing in order to forgive myself, dispose of Dr Cyan and was eventually done with him. Although it appears that he is not yet done with me…
posted by Marvin Hyde at 4:53 AM
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